Helpful Hints for a Nearly Extinct Species
                Submitted satirically by Haragano

      Let's get down to basics.  Being the leader of a group is more than
   just the hard work of raising dust devils in the back yard or zapping a
   friend's TV antenna so they can get HBO.  Leading a group offers a lot
   of perks. You get a lot of ego strokes, you get to divide up babies just
   like Solomon and you even get to keep the leftovers from the potlucks at
   moon feasts.  After all you have put in a lot of long, hard hours and
   cashed in a lot of empties to win the coveted title of "High Poop-di Ha
   of the Infinite Invisibility".  And you want to keep it!  The bottom line,
   the final word in keeping your position on top of the heap is spelled
   P-O-W-E-R.  These hints are concerned with helping you keep it.

      In the busy modern craft of today there are many ways that your power
   base can be erroded.  The two most likely ways you can end up preaching
   to an empty circle are through the insiduous inroads made by INFORMATION
   and DISCUSSION.  These twin curses have upset more High Poop-di-Has than
   Carter has little liver pills.

      Information is the worst threat.  The more a follower is acquainted
   with history, anthropology, psychology, socio-dynamics ... really, any
   area that requires an individual to exert himself mentally, you are in
   for questions you don't really want to answer. The very best way to deal
   with this sticky situation is to avoid it.  Recruit the immature and the
   fanatic.  They don't bring really tasty goodies to feasts, but they are
   good ego boosters.  They are expendable and feircely loyal for no
   particular reason.

      If you find you are being pestered by an "intellect" (they should
   have never gotten through your screening) you have to quickly learn to
   manage information more effectively.  Don't worry.  Managing information
   is easier than it seems.  Newscasters do it every night.  First, Adopt
   an attitude of "ask me anything", then make sure you don't have any
   answers and don't know where to get them.  Create a vacuum!  Yes, nature
   abhors a vacuum but it is your strongest weapon in the war for ignorance.
   Second is the wild goose chase, atried and true method of dealing with
   anyone who persists in asking questions.  Send a troublesome individual
   on a few of these.  Tire them out, and they will go away sooner or later.
   When they leave, the stage is set for you to shake your head solemnly
   and expound at length on how they were not ready to learn what you had
   to offer.  This act is very impressive to newcomers.

       Reassure your followers that they don't have to keep up on current
    thoughts in and about the craft.  After all, books and magazine
    subscriptions are expensive.  Imply that they will learn all that they
    need from you by hinting at the "secrets of the craft" that yet await
    them.  If they are adamant about reading, call their attention only to
    those items that reinforce your point of view (you need all the backup
    you can get). The Xian (as in Xmas) fundamentalists have developed this
    sort of information management into an art form. "Information Management
    is next to Godilness". I'm sure Mr. Falwell has that embroidered on a
    pillow slip somewhere.  You might want to write him for a needlepoint
    kit.