Theatre Ritual The Theatre Ritual copyright Penthesileia SilverWolf 1996 Materials: On the props table are flashlights (candles), a smoke machine (incense), a cup of coffee (chalice), a pot of makeup powder (earth), a conductor's baton (wand), an Exacto-knife (athame), and a roll of paper towels (broom). Also a roll of glow-tape, a greasy bag of fast-food, and a bottle of TUMS. (No, the TUMS aren't for the ritual, but it's always good to have them with you.) CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (take the roll of glow-tape) Spiking tape where thou art cast Under scuffling feet, thou must bright last Lead our way when it is dark, And let us all see spiking marks! Spiking tape where thou art cast, Stick to dirty floorboards fast. Let our scene change on time be, And as I will so mote it be! CAST THE CIRCLE (using Exacto-knife) CALL THE QUARTERS: Dust cloud of the East, Choking Ones! Guardians of the Sacred Sawdust, Be present we pray thee, and guard this stage from all coughs and sniffles approaching from the East. Lights of the South, Sweaty Ones! Guardians of the Sacred Heat Lamps, Be present we pray thee, and guard this stage Paints of the West, Drippy Ones! Guardians of the Sacred Ugly Drops, Be present we pray thee, and guard this stage from all icky costumes approaching from the West. Sets of the North, Heavy Ones! Guardians of the Sacred Heavy Props, be present we pray thee, and guard this stage PAGE: (henceforth known as the Scotch Guard) Listen to the words of the Mother of the Stage: HIGH PRIESTESS: Whenever you have the insane desire to put on a play, and better it be when your patience is full, then shall you assemble in some great auditorium, and bring offerings of audiences to the Spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Theaters. There shall you assemb le, you who are silly enough to audition, yet still don't get which way is Stage Left. And you shall be free from all shame, and you shall dance, and sing, and recite your lines, and run around in little circles, all for my amusement. For mine is the ecst asy of paint-sniffing, and mine is also the high you get when you live on chocolate, caffeine, and fast-food for three weeks, for my law is "Do it again, DAMMIT!" Keep clean your costume, let none touch your props. For mine is the secret trapdoor which ha s not been opened in 20 years which the director now wants to use, and mine is the cup of coffee that you are pretty sure is a week old but you drink anyway because you need the kick. I am the gracious Goddess, who brings people to watch you make fools of yourselves. Upon Earth, I give knowledge of just how to make yourself be seen when you are always in the back row, and beyond death... well, I can't do much there. Sorry. I demand only your pride for sacrifice, for behold, you look pretty darn silly up t here. SCOTCH GUARD: Hear now the words of the Princess of Props, she the dust of whose feet you always inhale just before you have to sing: HIGH PRIESTESS: I who am the beauty of Pancake Makeup, and the costumes which "no one will notice are torn from three rows back", and the mystery of the inaudible cues, call unto thy soul to arise and come to me. For I am the soul of the Stage Manager (you wondered where it went, didn't you?) who gives impossible tasks to all who face me, and unto me you must report, day after day after day. And before my lipsticked face, beloved of makeup artists, let thine innermost self be enfolded in the rapture of applause. Let my h ouse hold the party for the cast that rejoices, for behold, all Acts and Scenes are my rituals. Therefore let there be quick scene changes and unbroken props, right notes and remembered lines, a conscious pit and easy choreography among you. And you who t hink to seek me, know that all your whining and complaining will avail you not, unless you know the mystery, "Yes, they can hear you backstage, duh." For behold, I have been with you at the Overture, and I am that which is attained at the final curtain ca ll. Go hang up your costumes. SCOTCH GUARD: Hear now the words of the Techie God: HIGH PRIEST: I am the light that shines in your eyes, and the chair that never quite made it out on stage, and the microphone which sends out feedback. No matter how hard you try to escape with a prop that isn't yours, I will hunt you out, and you will become my sacre d prey. I am the warmth of the spotlight, and the call of the director over the Clear Com. I give you my creatures, the fire curtain, the power saw, the measuring tape. You are a pain in the neck to me, yet I instill in you the power of that cue you thoug ht you missed, and the vision of the sight lines. By the powers of the light boards, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the costume room, I charge you, by the beauty of the drops I charge you. (OK, forget the last one.) Follow your heart and your ins tinct, wherever they lead you, unless you turn your back to the audience. Take joy in that first minor-suspended-inverted-diminished chord that squawks out of the pit, and in the last satisfying bow you take before the curtain falls on your head. Lastly, always remember to leave some of the spotlight for others. Be not greedy, do not let yourself be known as an upstager. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or hiding under that huge pile of costumes thrown in the corner. I am the Lord of the Tec hies, and when you have reached the end of your patience, I will never be far enough away from you. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who always has to hog the limelight. If you are a true Techie, then your soul and mine are intertwined, for my law is, "Techies do it in the dark." COFFEE AND FAST FOOD: (Blessing of the coffee) HP: Be it known that cappucino is not better than espresso HPS: Nor is espresso better than cappucino HP: For both are more expensive than regular coffee HPS: And neither one is decaffeinated HP: As the caffeine is to Jolt HPS: So the high is to sugar BOTH: And when they are eaten, they wake you in truth, for there is no better upper in all the world than one filled with caffeine. (Blessing of the fast food) HP: Pizza is greasy HPS: But grinders are great BOTH: Better eat quickly, 'cause Goddess, we're late! (Feasting and drinking, or just cramming as much as you can in your mouth between lines) DISMISS QUARTERS: HPS: Oh, ye mighty techies of the _____, we thank you for attending our play and guarding our stage, and ere you depart for your curtained realms, we say unto you, "There's no business like show business." ALL: Encore!